I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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