So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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