from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize