My entire life is one complicated drinking game
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
