Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
