she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
