I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
