Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
