I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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