Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
