there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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