I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
