john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
