I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Dick very happy bro
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
