At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
