i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
