They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
