I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
