It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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