she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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