My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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