ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
