is your mom at the bar?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Im part way to drunk.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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