Say something about gay babies.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
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I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
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Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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