I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
