My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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