He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
