a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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