i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
