i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
