At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
