I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
