So drunk its hurt
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
