John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
