I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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