Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
