It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
