When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
