i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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