I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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