then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize