Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize