You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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