Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
