Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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