proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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