and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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