You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
