I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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