my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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