So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
