I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
