I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
