I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
