i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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