Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
