so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
